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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769069">Queen of Ashes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/songsofbasingse/pseuds/songsofbasingse'>songsofbasingse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Comfort/Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Long, Multi, Redemption, azula gets Therapy (kind of), or not?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:36:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/songsofbasingse/pseuds/songsofbasingse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Azula snaps a bit earlier in this one, and Ozai has to die. Anyhow, that is just the beginning, since neither redemption nor healing come easy </p><p>(we are leaving canon after the events at the boiling rock)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=thatlostsock">thatlostsock</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey! please feel free to tell me what you think since this is still a work in progress (also I am always thankful if you talk to me anyway). This was supposed to be a short piece just about Azula killing Ozai, but then it kind of got out of control...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Part I- Fire</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Fire is the element of power (Iroh)</em>
</p><p><br/>„I love Zuko more than I fear you.“, Mai said, looking Azula directly in the eye.<br/>Just for a moment, she was struck. Unable to respond, or even to process the words. She heard them, but they did not make sense.<br/>Then, suddenly everything fell into place. “No, you miscalculated. You should have feared me more.“</p><p>To her own surprise, sounded affected. She was affected. <em>That’s weak, Azula.”, </em> a well know voice in her head scolded, and the emotions she had just felt were wiped out, replaced with cold, rational thought. When Mai pulled out a knife, Azula raised her hand the same time, ready to strike. Her so called friends would not stand a chance. Not even the avatar had been able to take on her lightning. <br/>Still, something in the back of her head bothered her. Something that did not quite add up. Mai wasn’t stupid. She had to know what her chances on this were . And the look Azula found in her eyes confirmed that Mai knee that she knew.</p><p>Suddenly, a part of her did not want to throw any lightning at all. A part of her wanted to lower her hand and just let the knife find it’s way. Or tell Mai that they would not have to do this. <em>That’s weak, Azula</em>.<br/>She heard her fathers voice again, this time with even more disgust. <em>And do I have a weak daughter?</em><br/>Suddenly, she did not see Mai anymore. Just him, looking down in disappointment And there was nothing would not do to escape that look.<br/>She took a deep breath, ready to strike for real now. But before she could, a sudden punch hit her side. Then another. And just like that, she was lying on the ground, unable to move, Ty Lee and Mai standing above her.<br/>Again, it took a moment until her mind had pieced the bits together and reality had sunken in. <br/>Ty Lee had betrayed her as well. Mai had chosen Zuko and Ty Lee had chosen Mai, and now they were standing there, looking down from above.<br/>Her oldest friends from childhood. The girls she had grown up with. For a moment, they seemed frozen as well. Until Ty Lee broke the silence. Not because she had anything else left to tell Azula. Just to tell Mai to get away. Which was useless, of course. There were guards, all around, and those girls had just attacked their princess. <br/><br/>“You are both fools.“ Azula in their direction as soon as she was finally on her feet again. She wanted to sound like she did not care. Like she did not feel like the actual fool in this. Looking at it now, all of this had been bound to happen, and she should have known that it would. After all, she had had to set a fire in the circus Ty Lee was traveling with in order to get her to help. And the way May had flung herself at Zuko since the day he had returned should have told her more than clearly where her loyalty lied. Where her loyalty had been lying all the time. With her oh so loveable brother. “Their choice was clear from the beginning,” another voice whispered in her head, “Just like for your mother. Just like for your uncle. Who would ever chose you? Who would ever take your hand if you would not be holding a knife in the other?” <br/>“Shut It down, Azula.”, she responded to herself, desperately trying to get her thoughts back into control. Control. Control was the key. “You don’t need them. Friends are for people who are too weak to have servants.“</p><p>She took a deep breath in. Yes, she had made a mistake. She taken risks, and even worse, forgotten those risks existed. But she could make sure that would never happen again. And when one of the guards asked what to do next, she had my answer ready. <br/>“Lock up them somewhere were I won’t have to see there faces ever again.“</p><p>Her voice sounded firm again, which Azula noticed with pride. As she continued, she looked Mai straight in the eye. She had wanted fear? She could get it.<br/>„And let them rot.“ </p><p><br/>After they had been brought away, she saw the warden walking up to me. A pathetic excuse of a man, who had believed that the little power he possessed somehow made him greater than those around him. Just a big fish in a small pond who believed himself to be a shark. If he had done his job properly, none of this would have happened, Azula thought, knowing that that wasn’t the full truth, but definetly part of it. And that she wanted him to know.</p><p>When he started uttering something between an apology, an explanation and monologue of self pity, she therefore shut him down immediately.<br/>“I am sorry, but where you talking to me? Because all I hear is the sound of failure. Which is quite pathetic, honestly“</p><p> You should have feared me more, she had told Mai. Now she would give them a reason too.</p><p>“Your actions lead to the escape of dangerous war criminals, not to mention a threat to my life. It was pure look your niece didn`t cut my throat.“</p><p>Azula paused, just to enjoy the sight of him twisting his hands in the desperate search for words. How many times had he been the one who made prisoners feel the way he felt now? The thought of this irony truly had something validating to it. “This not only gives you a record of failing at your job. This makes you man who endangered the fire nation and a member of its royal family. And that-“ she allowed herself one more dramatic break, “that is treason. And a man of your education should know what the penalty for treason is.“ <br/>He did not even have it in himself to give me an answer. Instead, he sunk down on his knees. She knew she could just kill him right away. One struck of lightning and he would be gone. Or make one of the guards do it. Just because Azula really started to enjoy this whole irony theme. But that would not be as effective as what she had in mind. <br/>“But you are a lucky man warden,“ Azula said therefore. “A man should not have to die in the shame of his mistakes.“ Relieve started to build on his face, just to crumble again when she announced: <br/>“So I am giving you away to restore your honor. Agni Kai.“ </p><p><br/>Azual felt good. She truly was in control again, seeing  the way they all were looking at her, with fear and admiration balancing in their eyes. The way she deserved to be looked at. The way a future firelord deserved to be looked at. <br/>The warden finally seemed to have found his voice again.</p><p>“Excuse me princess, what do you mean? You can’t possibly mean….you can’t seriously want…“<br/>“Don`t tell me what I can. In fact, you should be thanking me for this chance to prove yourself. Or are not even man enough to accept this challenge? Can you only duel someone when they are in chains?“ <br/>“No, of course not! I can fight! But princess, I could never fight you!“ Though his protest did have something entertaining to it, Azual decided that it was time to finally get to the point. <br/>“I am afraid you will have too. 5 minutes. Then it is on.“ <br/>Just enough time to put up her hair again properly. A few streaks had fallen out, and that was nothing she could use while fighting. </p><p>The fight that followed wasn’t even worth the name. A turtle duck would have been a better opponent, Azula thought, those  things at least had shells. But surely it had served its cause: reminding the people here of where their loyalty had to lie. And who they had to admire.<br/>She decided that was time to return to the palace and leave this episode behind.<br/><br/>Only that that was not possible. At least not directly, as she had to realize when she and her men came to the spot where my ballon was supposed to be. Zuko. He and his gang of war prisoners must have used it to escape, she concluded directly. And that was bad. Sure, they could sent for another one. But questions would be asked, which would be really difficult to answer. Normally, Azula didn’t tell her father about the missions she went on, just in case. If they were successful, he did not ask further questions. If they weren’t, he would never have to know. She sighed. Now he would, and she would have to explain what happened. To her father. That Zuko got way because she let him. All the confidence Azula has felt just moments ago came crumbling down again. Zuko, that idiot.</p><p>She noticed that a guard was talking to me, but his words did not really get through, her thoughts had taken her away too far already. How was it even possible that Zuko had out played her? He was Zuko, after all. Weak. A quitter. A runaway. “He did not outplay you.” a voice in her head answered. “You outplayed yourself by letting your emotions get in the way of your judgment.”</p><p><br/>“Princess, princess, are you even listening?“ That annoying guard still had something to say, apparently.<br/>“Oh shut it, will you?“, she screamed. “The next words I want to hear from you are `Princess Azula, your ballon has arrived.`if you dare to tell me anything else before that, I swear that the next person you can things to is someone from the spirit world.“</p><p>The guard opened his mouth, his eyes wide open, and then closed it again quickly. He nodded so fast and strong that his teeth were clicking together. Also not the most pleasing sound. Azual snapped her fingers and let a spark fly for emphasis.<br/>“And now get of my view.“</p><p>He obeyed, and finally, there was silence again. Just the waves crashing against the shore. Waves above which somewhere her brother was flying with his new friends. While actually, she should be on my way home, with him as prisoner. Eager to tell her  father of her success. And now instead, she would return a failure, not knowing how to face him. He would be disappointed, that was for sure. This had been their one chance at catching Zuko, and she had blown it. Blown it because she had not had  my  own people under control. Still, he had to hear it from her.  Every other scenario was even worse, she knew that. But that didn’t really make it better at all. </p><p><br/>Back at the place, Azula therefore sent for a servant and asked for a hearing directly. Luckily, it was granted to her soon, and fighting the urge to run back into the direction she had just come from, Azula made my way to the throne room, entered the heavy door and got close enough to her father to talk to him. There she knelt down.<br/>“Azula, my daughter. What brings you here?“ His voice sounded so friendly. Azula felt her eyes water against her will, knowing very well that crying would be the worst thing possible to do. Instead, she therefore tried to sum up the events as good as possible, walking the small line between apology and not admitting failure. A silence followed, only interrupted by the beat of her heart. Firelord Ozai always took  time before he reached a verdict. <br/>“It is unfortunate your brother got away. Especially since this could have been prevented so easily. Did I not teach you to never trust others?“<br/>Azul nodded. He did. I would not know of any person he had ever trusted with anything. He even cut his own hair because any hairdresser could potentially want him harm.<br/>”But you did the right thing to challenge the warden. It gave proof that we will not tolerant weakness. And to not worry, the day of our triumph will come soon“ <br/>Azula did not know how to react. There were many things she had expected, possibilities that she had played out in her head. This definitely had not been one of them. <br/>All she could so was stutter.</p><p>”You are not…angry with me?“ <br/>“No Azula. Now is not the time get upset about small mistakes. What counts now is the bigger picture. Our plans for the return of the comet.“<br/>Her father paused, and then even added: <br/>“I always knew you were stronger than your brother.“<br/>„Yes father, Thank you.“, Azula responded, not knowing what else to say. <br/>„You will be my heir one day. A worthy one.“ <br/> She still faced the ground, trying to comprehend her fathers words. She knew she was supposed to feel relieved. This was a kinder response than anything she ever could have hoped for. But deep down, she felt doubts that she had been pushing away for so long rising to the surface.</p><p>“He is showing mercy because he has no more child left to loose”. The thought struck her like a lightning. Of course, her father needed her because he needed legacy. Someone to pass his empire onto. Someone to pass his empire onto who was not Zuko. <br/>And suddenly, Azula could not help but wonder “If I am stronger, then why am I the one on my knees?“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Flames</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everyone prepares for the day of the comet, but everything goes different anyway. Azula makes a decision.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, thank you for also reading chapter two! What you see is the resul of my avoiding reality (I mean who does not)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Later this night, Azula had trouble finding sleep. And when she finally did, she dreamed of the Angi Kai between her father and Zuko.  <br/>Only that it was not her brother down there, but her. And no matter what she did, she wasn’t able to produce any lighting. Or even fire. <br/>Meanwhile, the audience cheered and applauded her failure. One by one, they started to laugh. Among them, Azula  could see Ty Lee and Mai pointing fingers and whispering, with the worst part being that she could not remember the last time she had seen them this happy. <br/>Then, her father entered the picture. DO I HAVE A WEAK DAUGHTER? A dark shadow towering above everything. DO I HAVE A CHILD THAT IS NOT EVEN ABLE TO BEND? Where only was her fire? Azula started to panic. Why couldn’t she reach it? I KNOW YOU ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. „But I am trying!“, she protest. She was trying so hard. She always was. YOU ARE LYING. IF YOU REALLY TRIED, YOU WOULD SUCCEED. <br/>But she didn’t. No flames, no matter what she did. <br/>The moment seemed to last forever. Laughter. Despair. Humiliation. Disappointment. And then,  a sudden heat in her face. And Azula  knew it was burning. She was burning, and then she was screaming, screaming from from pain and frustration.</p><p>Until suddenly, she  was in her bed again, sitting up straight, shivering and sweating at the same time. Quickly, she raised her hand and produced a small flame. As soon as the blue fire reflected on her face, she sighed in relief. At least my fire was still there. Azula continued to look at the small flame, watching it flicker. Somehow, it helped her calm down a bit,  like a pathway back to reality. <br/>Still, she could not stop thinking about her dream. Of course, there were times where she wondered what she would have done. Most of the time, Azula was convinced that she would never even have gotten into this situation. She, surely, would have know when to be quiet. Like she had always known what to do. And behaved accordingly. Azula also knew that her mom and uncle used to feel sorry for Zuko because of the way her dad had treated him. But that wasn`t really fair, she thought. If Zuko had put in a bit more effort, he could have been like her. She worked every day of my life to get where she was now. As opposed to him, who had preferred to feel sorry for himself and then, finally, to commit treason. After everything she had done to get him back to the palace. Once more, Azula knew that she was not even telling herself the whole truth. About Zuko, but also about herself. <br/>She liked to think that she was strong and powerful. But if she was, why did she have to kneel in fron of father with tears in her eyes? Why was she always at his mercy, no matter what she did ? Having to beg for admiration? What would be left of her life if he would not be there? What would be left of her? In a way, when Zuko talked back to father he had done something I never would have been able to do. But how could that be? I was the strong one. All he did was run. That was weak. But it was still more than she ever was capable of. Azula shook her head, trying to dismiss that the thoughts that had come creeping up. Why should she even bother about being able to do something that she would never even want to do?  She had all reason to stay here. Here, where she would triumph over the avatar together with her father. Here, where she would one day be crowned next firelord. That was everything she wanted. <br/>That is everything I want.“, she exclaimed to the flame that was still hovering over her hand. The flame stayed silent, of course.</p><p>The next days passed quickly in preparation of the day of the comet. Azula trained harder and longer than ever before, and she had one of the healers in the palace fix her a drink to help her sleep, telling  herself that it was because she would need the energy. Not because she was scared of any dreams. She felt ready. Yes, Zuko and his friends got away one more time, but that did not matter. At least not that much. On the day of the comet, she  would finally be able to prove herself once and for all. Or so I thought. Before everything started to go wrong. </p><p>Azula heard of it before it was official, once more happy about her ears all around the place. Someone had seen Zuko and that water girl trying to sneak up on the palace. Typical for him that he had not been able to remain unseen, she thought. Not typical for him that he seriously had been wanting to come here to fight. From what she heard, they had not been able to capture him yet, and for a short moment, she even felt something like respect. A really short  moment, of course. <br/>But before she even had time to analyze what this meant, she heard a knock on my door. To her greatest surprise, it was her father. She could not recall any time he had ever come here himself instead of sending a servant. <br/>"Azula,“ he said while doing something that came strangely close to smiling. „My wonderful daughter. I am sure you have heard the news.“<br/>She nodded, overwhelmed. „Yes. Zuko is coming.“<br/>"Zuko is about to be caught by our guard.“ The way he pronounced her brothers name was dripping from disgust, his face turning into a twisted mask of hatred. “And I want him gone before I set for the earth kingdom, and he will be brought here as soon as possible.“<br/>"But“ Azula blurted out, „Is the earth kingdom not more important? You are just wasting time on him.“ <br/>She knew it was a mistake, but  just could not hold back. „Azula, get yourself under control again. I decided what is a waste of time and what is not. This will be over soon anyway. Come with me now.“  Azula lowered her look and voice. „Coming? To where?“ <br/>"To where I will end your brothers pathetic existence once and for all and you will be my witness. The throne room. You have 30 minutes.“ <br/>With those words, he left as quickly as he had come. Just another order from him.<br/> <br/>Azula went to the mirror and started fixing her hair, but streaks continued to fall out. Not even that could work out. Why was she even trying? She did not want to do this. She did not want to go to the throne room and watch her father execute her brother. She did not want to sit by his side patiently like a trained dog. But then what did  she want? She should want this, she knew it.<br/> "I am sure you don`t want to hurt your brother Azula.“ The echo of what her mom had said  a long time ago suddenly come up in her head, and she believed to see her face behind her in the mirror. She used to say that a lot, when Zuko and Azula had been fighting, just kids starting to get a hold of their bending. <br/>"Well, what do you know? You think I am monster anyway.“ Azula looked the reflection straight in the eye. „ I know you are confused and hurt. But it does not have to be this way. And I love you, Azula.“<br/>"Liar“ Azula screamed, punching the mirror. The image  of her mother scattered to hundreds of tiny pieces, each as sharp as a razor blade. She felt a tear running down her cheek as she saw the scrambled reflection of herself on the floor. Yes, she was hurt. And yes, it did not have to be this way. She  picked up one of the fragments. It felt cold and heavy in her hand. Today, a member of this family would die. But it would not be her brother. </p><p>When she arrived at the throne room, punctual and a perfect picture of a fire princess, she found it empty except for her father, who had already taken place on the throne. <br/>"This is family business, so I decided it would be most fitting if we were to remain amongst each other.“ <br/>Now where Azula looked the way he wanted me to look again, it seemed like she also again was worthy of being spoke to in a normal tone. She nodded and closed the door behind her.<br/> "I will end your brother right here, where he had the nerve to disrespect me ,“ <br/>Azula heard him speak, but the words did not really reach her. Her heart was beating out of control. This was her chance. Her one moment to strike before the guards would come to bring in Zuko. Her hand was twisted around the fragment. <br/>"Then, it will only be us, Azula. The only ones truly worthy to lead this nation. The only once who deserve to be part of this family.“ <br/>Of course, Azula thought, a bitter taste in her mouth.  It was up to him to decided who was worthy and who was not. That was what he was best at. Determining everyone`s worth just how he liked. Determining her worth. But no more. She arrived at the spot she normally would kneel. Azula lowered her head, but not to bow. But to get a better aim. </p><p>The fragment flew through the air, directly into her father’s heart. A quite simple move. Mai had taught it to her long time ago, in what now felt like another life. And she had not stopped training until she had brought it to perfection. Deadly perfection. Her father had not gotten the chance to scream. Now he looked down on himself in disbelieve. Then at Azula. And then, with blood running out of his mouth and the light in his eyes already fading, she saw that he understood. <br/>"Foolish girl.“ His voice was quiet, his life was ending, and still his words struck her.<br/>"Don`t you know you only are because of me? You just killed yourself, too.“ Then, his head fell to side. He was dead.</p><p>And Azula was alone. Only….alone. Was she not supposed to feel free now? Or triumphant? Or just anything at all?  And if, then why did she just feel nothing at all? She told herself to worry about that later, trying to get her thoughts back on track. What mattered now was what to do next. Azula knew that she had had a plan. All she had to do was breath and follow it through. She would get Mai and Ty Lee, and then they would get out of here. <br/>Foolish, her own though struck her. As if anything could ever go back to how it was. Do you think they would even care to look at you? The voice in her head. Why wasn’t it gone? Her Father was dead. Why was he still talking? .<br/> "Yes they would,“ she exclaimed loudly. „They are my friends. They love me“ <br/>Your friends who betrayed you and tried to get you killed? Doesn’t really sound like much love to me. <br/>"Then I will make them love me again!“ Azula felt despair building up, replacing the emptiness. The same way you did make them love you the first time? With a knife to the throat? People like us are not loved Azula, we are feared. I thought I taught you this. <br/>She screamed. Even in death, Ozai still seemed to rule over her. Blue fire streamed out of her palms and set the room on fire. She saw the flames rising. They looked so majestic. Her beautiful fire, the only thing that had never betrayed her. Her beautiful flames. Her loyal friends. A part of her wanted to give herself into them completely. Wanted to stay here and be devoured by their heat. What else was there left for her anyway?, she thought. Everything was out of control. And she was all alone, except for her father and his voice inside her head. Mom. Iroh. Zuko. Mai. Ty Lee. They had all left her. What difference would her death still make? Would anybody out there even care? <br/>"They did not leave Azula. You made them go. And they would care. Because they would be relieved“ <br/> Dying seemed so easy. Every other breath felt hard. If she would die now, did she really just kill father? Or did her father also kill her?<br/> Suddenly, Azula  felt a new kind of determination.<br/> "You are not going to take me with you father, you hear that ?“ Tears flooded down her cheek just to be vaporized in the heat.<br/> "I am leaving this. I am leaving you.“ The flames cracked. It nearly sounded like laughter. </p><p>Just now she realized how far they had processed already. A blue sea all around her. A blue sea that was out of control. Smoke already clouded my sight. Now as she finally knew she had to get out, as she had just decided to leave her father and this place behind, it would not let her go.<br/> Azula could not even make out the door. Just clouds of smoke and flames. And in them… people? Azula squinted her eyes. <br/>Right in front of her, the scheme of a woman manifested. Others followed, surrounding her. Some seemed to be children, others elders. <br/>"We came to take you, Azula.“ They came from everywhere now, constantly getting closer. Azula tried to bend the fire against them, but the flames left them completely unaffected. This wasn’t real. It could not be, Azula told herself, desperately trying to believe her own words.  She was hallucinating from the smoke, that was all. One more reason to get out of here. <br/>"You can’t escape now, Azula. We have been waiting for you for so long.“ <br/>She wanted to cover my ears with my hand, but that meant that she would have to let go of the flames she was still trying to get under control well enough to get out. <br/>"Who are you? What do you want from me?“ <br/>"Oh Azula, you know us well. Can you not recognize us ?“ The woman who had been leading them reached out for her. Azula backed away and screamed, even though she could barely even fill her lungs anymore. <br/>"No! No I do not know you!“ <br/>The woman reached out again. They were everywhere around her now. The only way to escape her touch was to the ground. <br/>"But you should, Azula. They are all those who you killed.“  <br/>Suddenly, here face got clear, and she wasn’t a scheme anymore. „And a child should be able to recognize her mother“. <br/>And, then, Azula recognized who the stranger was. It was her. The same kind and beautiful face. The soft voice. But no in the strict tone that always seemed to be reserved for her. It was her nice tone. Her Zuko tone. Even though she was speaking about awful things. But what even did she mean ? Azula knew that she did not kill her. Or… did she ? Nothing made sense anymore. She knew that she had killed her father. Why would she not be capable to kill her own mother as well? <br/>"Mom“, Azula whispered, her voice nothing more than a dying hush. <br/>Her mother knelt down and reached out her hand. „Come on child. It is time to go.“ <br/>Azula`s heart was racing. In her lungs, there was nothing but pain. She  wanted to let her mother take her away, just for all of this to stop. But even more, she just wanted to hold my mothers hand again. <br/>So, Azula gathered all strength she still had  and reached out.  But just as she was about to touch her fingertips, Ursa  suddenly started to fade, just like everything around her. Even the flames seemed to get smaller. And another scheme stepped out of the dust.<br/> "Azula?“, he asked. A familiar voice. Zuko. What was he doing here? Azula at least knew that she didn’t kill him. Or did she? It sounded like he was getting closer, but she could not keep my eyes open for long enough to watch him. The darkness felt good, calming. <br/>"Azula!“ This time he screamed. It definitely was his voice. Could the dead really scream like that? <br/>"Azula! Spirits, Azula, what did you do?“ <br/>Yes, what did she do? If only she knew. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed! Full disclosure, I have a whole very long story line planned so...if you like this and would like to read more, please let me know &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Ashes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Azula is supposed to recover and heal, but she is just tired. <br/>Also, Zuko washes her hair.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The last chapter from my re-write! I hope you enjoy it, and if so, thank @cleothare on tumblr because it was literally her nice comment that made me work though it so quickly.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today would be a bad day. Azula knew it before she even opened her eyes to see a bright ray of sunshine falling in through the window and covering the small room in light. Not like there was much to cover, Azula thought. Her bed, a small armchair. A small desk from black wood next to it. She closed her eyes again since the light hurt in it. And because the sun could go screw itself. <br/>She had used to love it. Agni, the sun. Looking up to it always had been a reminder of the legacy and destiny of her family and nation. She had thought that somehow, it was shining down proudly on them, it’s chosen people. What a beautiful lie that had been. <br/>Azula shook her head. The sun didn’t give crap about anyone. Or why else would it continue shining like that after all they had become? At best, Agni was laughing at them. But Azula did not even feel laughed at. She felt abandoned. <br/>"Something else you mastered, Azula. You cannot only get abandoned by all the people around you, you even can get abandoned by the sun.“ <br/>She just wanted to pull the blanket over her head and go to sleep again. Yes, today definitely was a bad day. Not like there were any good days anyway. </p><p>Still, she knew she had to get up. Like always. And that she had to eat. Then the healers had to come, do some of their healing, scribble stuff in their books, mutter something about her healing process and leave. Not that they really talked to her about how that process was going. All she knew that apparently, the fire had not only burned parts of her skin, which had been easy to recover. It had also gotten into her lungs and burned her body from the inside. Which was, as she believed, kind of a fitting metaphor for her life at this point. And more difficult to fix. <br/>Afterwards, she had to eat again, and then came the trainers to go outside with her for some physical exercise. It was never just one trainer, but always two. Maybe they did not dare to work with her alone, even with all the guards around. Of course it was not the kind of exercise old Azula used to do. Old Azula was always pushing her limits and working with passion. The Azula she was now was following a routine while constantly being told to remember the her lungs were still recovering. She despised all of this. Everything was constant reminder of what she had become. How  only ashes had remained of her fire. She hated that she had nothing more to aim for. She hated that her  lungs hurt when she took a deep breath. She hated that she was always tired. But most of all, she hated the people.</p><p>Most of them could easily be sorted into one out of two categories. One half thought was she a monster that should have died in the flames together with her father. Those were usually servants and guards, who would grant her hateful stares when they thought she wasn’t looking, but still flinched every time she moved, thinking she would not notice. They despised her, and they despised themselves for still being afraid of her regardless. To compensate for this,  they laughed a lot when they were amongst each other and felt safe, making remarks about how and when she would finally set herself on fire. Or how shr would go down in the history books, but only to be mentioned as the firelord with the shortest reign ever of around 15 minutes. Azula knew they were doing it on purpose and wanted her to hear every word. She knew it should not hurt her. But that did not change the fact that it did. <br/><em>"Is this what is has come to?“</em>, her father asked. Dead for everyone else, but still very alive in her head. <em>"My daughter caring about the opinions of peasants? My daughter just letting peasants making fun of her without consequences?“</em></p><p>The other half thought her to be a sad and insane little girl. They always had pity in their eyes, even though some of them tried to hide it. They always spoke slow and in a really calm voice. The way you would talk to a toddler. Or a lunatic. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between them all that Azula was too far gone to actually be helped, but that that was nothing to be said out loud. Probably because Zuko was paying them too well. <br/>"<em>They used to fear and respect you, Azula. You could have been their queen. Now you are nothing but an object of their pity.“ </em><br/>Sometimes, she  just wanted to set them all on fire. She wanted to see flames devour everyone and everything around her, to erase the future and past equally. But then again, she was just so tired.</p><p>The only person Azula could not fit into this structure was Master Feng. She did not know if he was an actual bending master or what his element was. All she knew was that he was earth nation and had introduced himself like that. "I am Master Feng, and your brother invited me here from my home in Ba Sing Se to help you get well again.“ Then, he had simply taken a seat in the armchair opposite of her bed, ignoring the fact that she had demonstratively turned my back on him. <br/>Old Azula  would have used the chance of being completely alone with him and no guards to take him hostage as her ticket out of her. All that new Azula did was staring at the wall while he talked about how he would help her learn to face, accept and process her emotions so that one day, she would not be a father killing monster anymore. Or something in that direction. Of course, he phrased it differently, but  that was clearly what he meant, Azula was sure.  Especially since Zuko had sent him. From the on, he came every afternoon. Some days she talked to him. Some days she did not. He always came regardless and sat in the armchair, calmly. Sometimes she tried to understand what he had to say. Sometimes she didn’t. But overall, Azula did have to admit that she had judged him too quickly. He did not treat her like a monster or an insane girl.<br/> In fact, he was the only one around here who treated her like a human. </p><p>Still, today was a bad day, so Azula had already turned towards the wall when he came in. <br/>"Good afternoon Azula, do you want to talk today? And can I offer you a tea?“ <br/>He asked like always, while sitting down and during himself a cup from the pot he had brought. Azula did not want to talk, and so he left after his tea was empty. Or at least that was what he usually announced before leaving. He could actually be drinking his tea while sitting here, but he could just as well be taking a nap, Azula thought. Or draw mean pictures of her in his book, even though she  would probably hear that. Only that today, he also said „The air is bad in here, I think I will open the window for you before I go.“ S<br/>Sometimes he did that. It would have been nothing worth mentioning, if it hadn’t been for what happened next. </p><p>After he had left, Azula tuned around again, towards the window. A quite strong breeze was now blowing outside, and the wind made it into her room, blowing some streaks of hair into her face. When she tried tucking them back behind her ears, they felt greasy, and a look at them revealed they were all tangled up. Her whole hair was an absolute mess. That kind of made sense, since she could not remember the last time where she had actually brushed it. Had that really been before her father’s death?  She could not remember. Not like that mattered. What mattered was that there was an absolute chaos going on on her head. And that appearently, except for her, no one seemed to care about that. Probably because it went so well with the "insane little girl“ image. Anyhow, she decided, it could not stay like this. <br/>She should cut it, but with what? It was not like they left her any tools sharp enough. Even the mirror in the little bathroom was made from unbreakable glas. She knew that, she had tried. <br/>Maybe she could burn it off, considering that she should be able to control the flames well enough for them to not harm her.</p><p>Azula already felt the flame in her palms when she stopped. She actually didn’t want my hair gone, she realized. Old Azula had been obsessed with it, and it still somehow meant something to her. Her Uncle once had said that she had the hair of her mother. Not the exact colour, but the way it was flowing down her shoulders and surrounding her face. Of course, that had been before he had decided that she was a threat to humanity and still only had been his little niece.<br/>Azula put her hand down. So no burning. But her also couldn’t stay like this. Tangled and greasy and pale. She should wash it. But again, how? There was a small sink in the bathroom, under the mirror. She would have to look in the mirror for a short moment to use it, but then she would have water. Of course, it was way to small and not made for anything else but washing your hands, but what other choice did she have? <br/>Azula got up from her bed, feeling a sudden sense of determination. She would do it, she  would face the mirror and wash her hair. </p><p>Of course, that was easier said than done, as she quickly had to realize. She tried plashing water on my hair with her palms, but that took long and the only thing really getting wet was the floor. Maybe it would have been easier if she had had her eyes open, but that would meant facing the mirror. Spirits, Azula, is there anything left you actually can do? A little scream made it past her lips. A scream of anger and frustration. Why could not even this work out? Why could nothing ever work out? She wanted to scream even more, to scream and tear the sink out from the wall. She wanted to do set everything on fire. She wanted, she wanted….what did she want? Not this. </p><p>"Azula?“ A voice suddenly interrupted her spiral of thoughts. It sounded concerned "Azula, what are you doing?“<br/>Zuko. She had completely forgotten about Zuko. <br/>Every evening, Zuko came to ask if she wanted to have dinner with him. Every evening, Azula pulled her blanket over my head and pretend to not hear him.<br/>"I am washing my hair.“ She replied through her teeth. Why only  did he have to show up just now? <br/>Zuko looked at her, then the wet floor, then at her again. Maybe he was trying to figure out if she was lying. That was a thought that Azula nearly enjoyed. As if he could. <br/>"It doesn’t  look really successful,“ he stated finally. <br/>"Well, this is the only currently available opportunity for me to do it. Your people apparently don’t care as much about my hair as they do about my sad, sick brain.“ Her voice sounded surprisingly controlled, as if for only a moments piece of old Azula had returned. <br/>Zuko`s face turned from concerned to surprised, from surprised to angry and then from angry to surprised again. After all that happened, he still was an open book. <br/>"Why didn’t you tell me? Or anyone? Why didn’t you just ask?“ <br/>Azula did not respond, so after a few moments, he spoke again. "Let me help you, okay? I will just get us a real bowl of water.“. <br/>She nodded. It wasn’t like she really had a choice anyway. And she suddenly just was so tired again. And she really did want her hair to be washed.</p><p>Zuko returned soon, pushing a small cart with a big bowl of water, some bottles of soap, a few towels and a comb. He moved the armchair a bit so that he could place the cart behind it.<br/>"Just sit down and lean back.“, he told Azula, and she did. The warm water felt good when she dove her head in it. Like a distant memory from a better time. <br/>For some time, she felt Zuko working through her hair quietly. </p><p>“Why did you do it?”, he then suddenly asked. “Why did you kill dad?” The question took Azula by surprise, and she scolded herself for that directly. It should not have. She should have know he wanted to get something out of this. Everyone always wants something out of everything. But it is up to you if let them take it. <br/>“Why would you care? He is dead, you are firelord and I forever am the crazy father stabbing daughter. Shouldn’t that be all that matters?”<br/>Zuko sighed. He sounded sad, but not surprised. Just like mom when she had set some of her precious flowers on fire again. They truly were two of a kind.<br/>“I care about this because I care about you. You may not believe this, Azula, but I actually want to help you.”<br/>She laughed. It sounded dry. „Bold of you to assume there is anything left to help.“<br/>He decided to completely ignore her reply. „I know you had reasons for what you did. Reasons other than just wanting fathers place.“ Zuko handed her a towel. "And I know that, even if you are very well at pretending you don’t, you actually have feelings.“<br/>“Well, I guess than you know more than me.” Azula took the towel and twisted it around her hair. "I guess we are done here. You can go now.“<br/>Zuko collected the soap bottle he had used and arranged them on the cart again. "You know, you might be great at pushing people away, but you are not going to get rid of me this easily this time.“<br/>“You know, only saying it doesn’t make it true. Mom also said she would always be there for us, and where is she now? Was she there now when dad burned your face of?“ Azula knew she had crossed a line, but it was too late now. <br/>“I am leaving you to sleep now Azula, but I will come back. Don’t think I won’t, no matter what you throw at me.“ </p><p>Zuko went and closed the door. She knew that she had hurt him. It had been dripping from his words and stood written in his eyes. But what else should she have done? Yes, it did seem like he cared, but why would he ? Maybe he just had gotten better at lying, she tried to dismiss the doubts that started to rise up.  It surely was a skill that came in handy as firelord. Still, he had no reason to care about her so much, her doubts seemed to reply. Sending Master Feng and getting people to fix her lung. Getting her from the flames instead of letting her burn with father. Old Azula would have done that, were the rules reversed. Even new Azula was quite sure of that. Maybe he really did care. <br/>"<em>No one ever cares about you Azula.</em>“ Her father’s  voice finally interrupted before she had even allowed herself to fully accept this thought in her mind. "<em>People care about three things: what you can do, what you can’t do, and how they can use the first in their favour and the second against you.“</em></p><p>When the servant came with the tea they brought her every evening so that she could sleep, Azula burned her tongue from drinking all of directly and without hesitation. She did not want to stay awake for one more minute than she absolutely had to today.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey, please let me know if you liked this part! I have so many plans for this, so...update hopefully soon &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Maybe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Azula makes the attempt to apologize to Ty Lee. Also, there are turtleducks.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First of all, thank you everyone for left nice comments or kuddos! You are the reason this chapter is here! But also, the biggest thank to the amazing @onlysily on tumblr who gave me enough believe in my skills to write this &lt;3 (btw she is not only an amazing and supportive person but also amazing artist that you definetly should follow). I hope you will enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Azula felt the sun in her face as she was taking a walk through the place garden. Not that she cared much for either sun or garden. She had been told to go for a walk outside due to the good weather, and so she did. <br/>Also, she hoped that this might help her clear her mind a bit after yesterday. Master Feng had suggested that at least at the end of her session today. It had not been a bad session, she thought. Just an exhausting one. And in the end, still nothing had made sense. As hard as she had thought it through, and as hard as Master Feng had tried to help her, the pieces still did not fit. Azula did not blame him for it. Her thoughts already were a tangled mess normally. And now Zuko had made it infinitely worse, purposefully or not, by turning one number from her calculation into an unknown variable. Before, Azula had seen it as a fact that her brother did not care about her as person and was glad that she, given her mental state, would not be threatening his right to the throne. But now, that fact had been challenged. At least a bit. Since, based on that fact, Zuko would have had no reason to waste his time washing her hair. And saying what he said. So now, she had to reconsider, even if she did not want to. </p><p>Maybe Zuko did care about her. Or maybe he did not, and all that actually mattered to him was keeping up his public image as good brother. Maybe he hoped that she would recover. Or maybe he did not, and would prefer it she would spent the rest of her life like this, hidden from the public eye, with no doubt for anyone that she would never be fit to govern the country. Maybe he had meant his words. Or maybe he had just gotten better at lying.</p><p><em>Maybe.</em> Again and and again maybe. Azula did not like the word. Maybe alway meant an insecurity. A risk. When she had told Master Feng that, he had laughed. A quick, short laugh. Not like real laughter, but like an extended smile. Azula knew that laugh quite well at this point, but to her own surprise, she did not mind it. Probably because it sounded so honest. And because, strangely, it never made her feel laughed at. <br/>"Maybe.“, he had then said, slowly, as if he was carefully considering each word. "Maybe it is a risk. Or maybe,“ Master Feng leaned forward towards her, lowering his voice a bit like he was sharing an important, secret knowledge, "it’s actually a chance.“<br/>As if she had not taken and tossed away all her chances already.</p><p>Suddenly, her thought were interrupted as she recognized a familiar figure sitting at one of the turtleduck ponds. Sure, her outfit was different from what it used to be. But hair and the way she moved left no doubt.</p><p>"Ty Lee“, she exclaimed, louder than she had meant to. Actually, she had not meant to say her name out loud at all. But now it was too late. Ty Lee, and now where Azula saw her face there was no more doubt left that she was Ty Lee, had already turned her head. And was now waving at her to come over.</p><p>Azula had no idea how she was supposed to do next. <br/>Of course, it was not like she had never imagined meeting Ty Lee or Mai again. Or what she would say then. She even had talked to Master Feng about it. And on some days, she had tried to write letters. In some she cursed them. In some, she apologized. In some both. In some, it sounded like nothing had ever happened between them. Of course, each of those letters had gone up in flames again, for obvious reasons. <br/>And now, as she saw Ty Lee there, waving back, her first impulse was to run. <em>But what would that solve</em>? Master Feng had said that she could not run and hide forever if she would want to lead something like a real life again. And that she could not expect other people to take the first steps for her. But that she would able to take them, if she wanted to. <br/>Azula took a deep breath. Then, she made her way to the pond. </p><p>"Hey.“, she managed to bring out. „Nice to meet you here.“<br/>Ty Lee smiled in response and tapped on the floor next to her. <br/>"Hey Azula! Come sit!“ Azula did, and without even asking, Ty Lee handed her a piece of the beard she had been throwing to the turtleducks "And feed some ducklings with me!“<br/>Azula threw a bread crumb towards one of them. Not like she really cared for those. In fact, she thought that she actually disliked turtleducks. Probably because she had seen her brother and mother feeding them together from a distance one too many times. But Ty Lee cared for them. Of course she did. <br/>"What a surprise we meet here, right?“, she now asked. <br/>"I was not really expecting to see you around since Zuko said you were still in recovery. But you are around here in the park, which is good, right? You are doing fine?“</p><p>Azula consider her options. She could tell her the truth, which was not really flattering for her. Or she could tell Ty Lee a lie that she likely would not believe. <br/>Finally, she decided to just go for the truth. She had nothing left to lose anyway.<br/><br/>"Well, everyone either thinks I am a psychotic monster or pathetic little girl. I don’t really see a place where it could fit in either of those roles.“ She didn’t mean to sound bitter. It was just a fact. An observation she had made. <br/>"Only Master Feng who is supposed to be a healer for my mind, is kind of okay.“ Azula interupted herself. Instead of continuing to talk about Master Feng, she asked: <br/>"Now what does he want?."  <br/>One of the duckling had taken the bread, but instead of returning to the pond now suddenly came waddling towards Azula.<br/>Ty Lee smiled. "More food, obviously.“ <br/>She handed Azula another piece of bread. She took it. Not because she was particularly interested in the needs of this duck, but in the hope that that smile on Ty Lee`s face would last. It was like a memory from long, long ago. Like a ray of sunlight that reminds you of summer during the coldest day of the year. <br/>When she offered the bread to the duckling, he started eating straight from her hand. <br/>"He looks kind of cute.“, Azula stated, surprised that she really meant what she said.<br/>Ty Lee seemed to agree since she continued to smile. „I think he likes you.“ <br/>"I think he is biased since I have the food now.“<br/>Ty Lee laughed. And as happy as Azula felt to hear that, she also started to feel doubts creeping in. This was just going a bit too well. She had no business being so happy. Ty Lee had no business being so nice. Not after all that happened.<br/>Something just had to be off.</p><p>„So, what about you?“ She still returned to their conversation. „Are you really Kyoshi warrior now?“</p><p>"Yes. The uniform kind of gives it away, I guess.“ Ty Lee looked down on her dress for a moment. <br/>"I never would have thought I would feel so good being part of a group where everyone looks the same.“<br/>"But you do like it?"<br/>Ty Lee nodded. „The other girls are amazing. And we are doing so much good together. Helping to rebuilt towns and taking care of refugees and handing out food.“ There was spark in her eyes as she spoke, and her voice was not without pride when she continued, "People smile when they see us. Because we help. Which just feels so good.“ <br/>Then suddenly, before Azula could respond, her face seemed to crumble, and she looked down into the pond.<br/>"Also the other girls they …they helped me a lot. To get through prison.“</p><p>There it was. The bubble they had sat in until now had finally burst. Scattered into a million pieces. Sharp pieces, that pierced her and dug their way through her skin <br/><em>This is the part where you should apologize</em>, a voice in Azula´s head said. <em>No. This is the part where you tell her that she deserved her fate for betraying you. Apologizing will only make look weak. And do I have a weak daughter?</em> Her dead fathers voice responded for her. <br/>Azula decided to ignore both of them. Instead, she remembered what she had discussed with Master Feng. It had been on a day that had started good and ended very, very bad. All because she had made the mistake of asking what one was supposed to write a friend who had betrayed her and still not apologized for it. And instead of responding, Master Feng had pointed out that she had thrown said friend in prison. <br/>"Well, they betrayed me first!“ Azula had snapped back. "What else had I been supposed to do?“<br/>Of course, Master Feng had stayed calm. As he always did. Sometimes Azula truly wondered what it would take to make him lash out. <br/>"Did they really? Betray you first?“<br/>"Yes of course. They turned against me, despite of our friendship. What would that be if not betrayal?“ <br/>As calm as Master Feng had been, as angry she had been starting to get. He was not making sense. And she was supposed to be the one with the damaged brain. <br/>Or so she had thought, before Master Feng had said: <br/>"Azula, maybe consider this once: I know you used to be good friends. But you also told me that you got her to join you in searching your brother by threatening Ty Lee`s life. And that you continued to threaten both Mai and Ty Lee again and again in order to accomplish your mission. Not to mention that you constantly demanded obedience and respect. Is that really what a friend does?“<br/>All Azula had been able to do was to shake her head.<br/>"Good. So we agree that it isn’t. And looking at it like this, who was it that betrayed your friendship first? Mai and Ty Lee? Or you?“<br/>They had sat in silence for a while, the question hovering in the air between them, until Azula finally had mumbled: <br/>"Me.“ <br/>She had hated to do so, to admit it, but he was right. And somewhere deep inside, she had known so already. But knowing something and <em>knowing something</em> could be just two very different things.<br/>But even that hadn’t been enough for Master Feng to lever her be.<br/>"And then who should apologize?“<br/>"Me. I guess. Not like they would want to hear that anyway. I for sure would not.“<br/>"No, I guess you would not. But they are not you. Don’t you think they deservers to make that choice on her own?“</p><p>After that, Azula had just turned away from him, blanket over her head. But that had not changed the fact that his words has stuck with her. And that he had been right. She had denied Ty Lee way to many choices already. This one belonged to her, and she should have it. </p><p>"Azula?“ Ty Lee tilted her head. „Are you okay?“ </p><p>„I`m sorry.“</p><p>"What?“ </p><p>"I am sorry. For…“ Azula shook her head. She had so many words on the tip of her tongue. But that’s where they stayed. Just on the time  „For everything I guess.“, she finally managed to bring out.</p><p>Ty Lee seemed to be caught completely off guard „Did you just….apologize?“ </p><p>"I guess.“</p><p>"Wow.“ Azula could see that it was now Ty Lee who was trying to put the pieces together inside her mind. „You…you never did that before.“</p><p>"But now I do. Do you accept it?“ Azula hated herself for her impatience. She knew that she should give Ty Lee time to think. But she also really, really needed an answer.<br/>Her friend, if that was what she still could call her, remained. She stared at Azula. Then down at her hands. Then at Azula again. <br/>Until finally, she began: <br/>"To be honest, I first was just really happy to see you. And that you are well. Or at least..not dead. Or not as bad as I thought.“ <br/>Ty Lee started twisting her hands. Her voice sounded hoarse and got quite as she spoke. <br/>"But I cannot forget what happened. And the time in prison, but mostly the time afterwards, with the other girls working together on Kyoshi island….that made me realize <br/>How unhappy. And scared.“<br/>"Scared? Of me?“ Azula asked, despite already knowing the answer. Once, that would have been a compliment. Old Azula would have taken it as one. Now, it just felt like someone was twisting a dagger in her chest. <br/>"Yes, of you. And of what you would do once you would not find Mai and me useful anymore. Since at some point, that seemed like that was all what mattered to you. Who you could use.“<br/>Even if Azula had had anything to say, which she did not, she would not have had a chance to, since Ty Lee quickly added: <br/>"I mean, I know you went through a lot, too. And I also know that somewhen before, we used to be friends. Good friends. And I truly do miss that friend you were.“<br/>She now looked Azula directly into the eyes again, and her hands had stopped moving. <br/>"But you are not the only one who has to recover. And as much as I would want to accept your apology and as much as it means to me that you made it, I can’t. At least not now. And not completely.“</p><p>Azula knew that she had to say something, anything. But she had already apologized, what else could Ty Lee possibly want? If she even still wanted anything to do with her at all, and Azula was not even sure of that. <br/>Why only did Ty Lee have to make everything so complicated? Why did everything always have to be, and when exactly had things started to become so blurry and unclear? Or had it always been like this, only that she had not noticed?</p><p>"Azula?“ Ty Lee sounded worried now. <br/>Probably worried that I will attack her, Azula thought, a familiar taste of bitterness in her mouth. <br/><em>Snap out of it, Azula!</em> <em>This is important and not the moment for you and your self pity.</em> That voice in her head was new. And it was right. Ty Lee was right. <br/>But maybe, she could work on that. If she continued to talk to Master Feng. <br/>Maybe then she could become the friend that Ty Lee had missed. Maybe then things could become like they used to be. </p><p>"So then…why did you wave at me? And why are you still being so nice?“, she therefore dared to ask. <br/>"Because what you said does not really sound like you would want to be around me.“<br/>Ty Lee shook her head, and Azula felt instantly like a weight that she had not even recognized before was lifted off from her shoulders. <br/>"No, what I am saying is that we can’t just go back to how things were when we sat here together the last time. Everything is too broken for that.“ Her eyes were still sad, but he hint of a smile returned to her face. "But maybe we can try to fix it.“</p><p>Again that word. <em>Maybe.</em> A risk, Azula thought. A very high one. Maybe the highest one, the one of rejection. The one that she had always been the most hesitant to take. The one where you gave someone else the dice to roll for you. <br/>On the other hand, had she not already thrown everything she had left in the ring when she apologized to Ty Lee? What more could she possibly have to loose? Maybe can be a chance, Master Feng had said. And she decided to take that chance. </p><p>"So you are going to be around here? At least for some time? Or…Somewhen again?“</p><p> "Well, since I am currently assigned to the Royal Guard, I am certainly going to be around.“ The smile now had won it’s fight and was spread across Ty Lee`s whole face again. <br/>"But speaking of that, I guess I should really head to the throne room now. The other are probably wondering where I am already.“ <br/>She jumped up, as energetic as ever. Not a trace of sadness left on her face. Azula could not help but wonder how many times something else had been hidden behind that smile Ty Lee now wore again. How many more times had she been fooled and, even if only quietly, betrayed? And why in Agnis name had she just given her a free pass to do it again? Her heart started to race, and she instinctively started moving her hands, feeling a tension grow between them. She had to get up and stop the traitor from doing even more harm. She had to prevent that any word of this, off her asking for forgiveness and so openly showing weakness, would ever get out.<br/>"No.“ Azula interrupted herself. <em>Just breath. Before you do anything, just breath,</em> Master Feng said, in a long ago session and now clear and clam in her head. <br/>A part of her wanted to ignore him. The part which still belonged to old Azula and wanted nothing more than to take back control.<br/>But another part of her, the part that just had been so happy to see Ty Lee smile again, came out stronger. Following what Master Feng had told her, she took a deep breath in, shifting the focus away from her spiraling in thoughts to the air filling and leaving her lungs. <em>Azula, stop</em>, she told herself. <em>Remember who betrayed who first. Remember</em>. And she remembered.  <br/>Not a second too early.<br/>When she opened her eyes that she has intuitively closed, Azula saw Ty Lee, running towards her. Had she turned around only a second really, she would have witnessed the blue, sizzling energy that had been building up between Azula`s palms. <br/>Before Azula even had time to worry what her return meant, Ty Lee had already reached her gain.<br/>"I just realized, I come here now every morning to mediate and do a bit of stretching by sunrise. To start the day.“, she said, breathing heavily from her sprint.</p><p>"And?“<br/><br/>"And I thought that doing so could also help your recovery. And us…getting back in touch again.“ <br/>Before Azula had even fully progressed the question, she already had agreed, and Ty Lee had run off to fulfill her duty, yellling "I will talk to Zuko and pick you up tomorrow!", over her shoulder.  <br/><br/>And like that, she was alone again, sitting at the pond with no other place to be.</p><p>A little bit of bread of still left and now lying in the grass next to her, and after a short moment of consideration, Azula picked it up. <br/>"Maybe you guys are not that bad after all“, she mumbled, throwing the turtleducks, who in the meantime had lost interest in her, some crumbs. Almost immediately, she found herself surrounded by a bunch of ducklings again. <br/>"At least you are easy to befriend.“ </p><p>Back in her room, Azula  took out a small note book and a quill. Master Feng had given it to her during one their first meetings, and it had been lying in her drawer untouched since. <br/>"Maybe you could write down who or what you want to get better for,“ he had suggested. Now, on the first blank page, with her hand slightly shivering, Azula carefully wrote: Ty Lee.</p><p>This evening, when Zuko asked her if she wanted to have dinner with him, she said yes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading and I hope I did not disappoint! Again, you opinion means everything to me so please share it &lt;3 Honestly, if it were not for the nice comments, this chapter would not be here, but I am also curious to hear if there is anything you would look forward to reading? (also especially: I am considering to add another POV, would you be interested in that? and if so, whose?)</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Cherries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Azula and Zuko finally have dinner together. That is it, that is the chapter.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all for being so patient with me. Honestly, this chapter only got me half to where I wanted to be, but I did not want to keep you waiting even longer &amp; hope you still enjoy it! I just love you all so much &lt;3<br/>Small disclaimer for this chapter and the ones to follow: this story is also about Azula unlearning some of the pro royal family and fire nation believes she grew up with (since I do not just want to drop them under the table). I am not writing her with those ideas because I would support them, but to show the process of her realizing them to be wrong. If that is making you uncomfortable, I more than anything understand if you prefer reading something else.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Azula was not even sure what she had expected to see when she entered the dining hall, but it definitely had not been the picture that presented itself now. The big rooms was empty except for her brother, and only to plates were set opposite of each other on one end of the long table. Between the, Zuko just unloaded a tray filled with bowls of rice, vegetables, a variety of sauces and some kind of roasted meat. Duck or Komodo chicken, Azula guessed, not being able to deny that it smelled absolutely delicious. <br/>“Only dinner for two?”, she asked, sitting down on the chair opposite of where he was standing. Not like she would have wanted any other company. Agni, she was not even sure if she really wanted his company. Or just any company at all. It just seemed hard to believe that her brother otherwise would have eaten alone, without all of his new friends. <br/>“Katara, Aang and Toph aren‘t at the palace right now anyway.“ Her brother shrugged and sat down as well.<br/>“And I though you would prefer it if it was just us. For now.“ <br/>Azula nodded, and felt at least bit of her tension ease. For obvious reasons, she dreaded seeing any member of the Team Avatar again, who surely also wouldn’t be ken on meeting her either. She did not even know what was worse. That they were a reminder of the things she had done, or of those she had failed to do. And the fact that she was asking herself this question was already bad on it’s own. Not having to look them in the eye also meant not having to answer it.<br/>Still, a part of her remained sceptical. Why not even servants? Did he want to keep her hidden? Was he afraid she would say something she wasn’t supposed to say? Or that she would start attacking them? On the other hand, if he was afraid of an attack, would it not be smart to have someone around who could intervene? <br/>Zuko seemed to have noticed her gazing gliding through the empty room, since he added:<br/>“And I thought that servants would have made this seem like a formal dinner or something.“ He made a vague gesture, likely just to have something to do with his hands. “And that is not what I wanted this to be.“<br/>Despite his firm voice, it was obvious to Azula that he was nervous. He had gotten better at concealing it, she had to admit. A servant might be fooled. Maybe even an average diplomat. But surely not her. The most obvious tell was how he was putting significantly more weight on his left leg. She assumed that it was so that he should shift around faster should something or someone approach from the left, which was due to his damaged eye obviously his weaker side. It also did not seem like a conscious action or something he did on purpose, more like an internalised subconscious reaction to an unsafe or at least uncertain situation. Not like it really mattered. <br/>The more interesting and important question was, what exactly he was nervous about. Just if they would get along well and have a nice conversation? Or did he have another plan in the back of his head that he was hoping would work out? <em>Have you ever considered that maybe, you that maybe, your brother just wants to reconnect with you because you are his sister who he cares about and does want to lose?</em> Master Feng‘s voice appeared in her mind and interrupted her train of thought. She sighed internally. <br/>About master Feng and his constant “have you considered“, but mostly about herself. She had not agreed to this meeting to jeopardise it from the beginning. The way she had jeopardised everything in her life until this point. Get it together, Azula, she told herself. He is clearly trying his best. And so should you. <br/>“So I assume it does not mean any offence if I start taking the food first?”<br/>She started to fill her plate, hoping her brother would get her frail attempt of a joke. It was a poke at the royal protocol which that had both despised as kids and had seized any opportunity to make fun of. <br/>“Yes, only today this dishonourable behaviour will be forgiven.” <br/>The hint of a smile actually appeared on her brothers face. <br/>“But only because there are not witnesses around, and because Ty Lee just excitedly told me that you would train with her tomorrow morning, and I do pity you a bit for that.”<br/>“Train?” Azula asked, after she had finished chewing the first bite of her food. It tasted just as amazing as it had smelled, and especially the amount of spice was just right. <br/>“She told me something about doing some morning stretches? A training was never mentioned”“So you agreed before knowing her whole routine?” Another hinted smile. <br/>“Now my sympathy is even bigger.” <br/>“Oh, spare me. I get enough of that already.” Azula rolled her eyes. “At least if I am interpreting the looks some of the guards and servants are throwing me right.” <br/>She knew that she should stop talking here. You were just starting a kind of normal conversation. Let this topic be!, the voice of reason in her mind nearly screamed. And still was ignored. <br/>“What do people think about me anyway? What did you tell them? Am I even still a princess? Officially, I mean?”, Azula asked instead, well were of how blunt her question was. <br/>“That you ended our fathers life and in doing that saved mine and the ones of many soldiers. But that you were badly injured yourself and are now still healing.” <br/>Her brother made another vague gesture. To her surprise, he did not seem offended at all. Nearly…relieved. As if this was something he had been wanting to say anyway, and was now thankful that she gave him the opportunity to. <br/>“We did not give them many details beyond that, and any of the stuff you have met has been carefully chosen and sworn not to bring any information outside these walls. I thought if there is anything else to be told, you should be the one to do that. And concerning your status, you are welcome to take you position as princess in the public eye again as soon as you are ready for that.” <br/>He paused shortly before he added: “If that is what you want, of course.”<br/>If that was what she wanted. Azula nodded. Not to express agreement, just to show that she had understood, since she was lacking the words for a proper response. If you want. What did she want? That question again. That awful, nagging question that somehow seemed to haunt her. And that Azula really did not need right now. Say something different quick! She pleaded herself. Get your mind away form this before it`s too late.<br/>“So what else did I miss expect for the fact that I am one of the good guys now?” Azula therefore blurted out the first thing which came to her mind. <br/>“What happened to the invasion? And the occupied territories?”<br/> “The invasion came to a halt quickly. Not only because of our father death, but also due to the air fleet successfully being taken out by Suki, Sokka and Toph. And Aang`s appearance as Avatar was very convincing as well.” <br/>Her brother answered directly, without trying to deflect the question or telling her that she should bother about herself and her recovery instead of the outside world and politics. Probably because he still knew her too well for that. Azula felt both relief and tension as he continued to speak. Relief because he did not insist on talking about her. Tension because those were the first real news from the outside world that she was getting for ages, and the concern she could see in her brothers eyes gave away that they were not necessarily good ones. <br/>“What happened to the already occupied territories, however, is a kind of different story. Especially the towns. The battle for Ba Sing Se took weeks. The army officer in command refused to accept our fathers death as defeat and continued to fight brutally under his banner and in his name.” <br/>He paused, and his gaze wandered away from her, onto something that only he seemed to see. <br/>“Even after it was more than clear that the tides had turned, and that it was only a matter of time that it would fall. Rumor has it that he himself fled the town shortly after the battle began. Which is likely since now, he leads an under ground cell full of like minded noble men and ex-military who still want to keep their oath to the real firelord, while most of his men and women who fought in Ba Sing Se died right there.” <br/>Her brother had to pause for a moment before he continued. <br/>“It was horrible. I though had seen things to the war, but nothing comes even close to this town during the last days of the fight. So much destruction, despair and pain. Every street and every corner was a battle ground on its own, and every inch we gained was paid for with blood. And all so unnecessary.“<br/>“Us?“ Azula asked, half because she wanted to know who exactly they were allied with at this point, half to get her brother into this conversation with her from whatever place his thoughts had moved to. Likely somewhere to the streets of Ba Sing Se, she thought.<br/>“The part luckily greater part of our army that accepted me a their new leader.“ <br/>Zuko responded, now looking at her again. <br/>“The white lotus. The avatar and his allies. And of course the Ba Sing Se People’s Army.“ <br/>Azula nodded. She was relieved to hear that at least most of the fire nation army was now following her brother’s command. A stable army means a stable state. Who had said that again? Her father? Lu Ten? One of her teachers at the academy? Azula could not remember, but that did not make it less true. What concerned her, however, were the other actors involved. <br/>On one hand, they simply meant more people who could and would make demands. On the other hand, they all already meant trouble on their own. The white lotus was an underground organisation lead by no one else but her treacherous uncle, and she had faced the Avatar and his team in battle enough times to know that they could indeed be lethal in combat. Not to mention the bonus they would get from the people simply by being, well, the avatar and his team. <br/>The Ba Sing Se People‘s army was, at least to her, the great unknown in this equation. What Azula remembered about this town were mostly its noble men and women, people who either enjoyed bathing in their power and wealth like flies in honey, or who were constantly scheming and hustling to make it just a bit further to the top. Both pretty despicable, but well to handle if you knew how to. People to who it did not matter who was sitting on top, as long as that person either made sure that their life continued to be comfortable, or as long as they could tell themselves that they would, one day, be able to climb up all the way and replace them. Not the kind of people who would fight for something like freedom, or who would stand in for anyone but themselves. <br/>Still, she had always been aware that there was also another Ba Sing Se underneath, a powder cake of people who had, for reasons as multiple as them, not much left to lose, but a lot to demand. And who would sooner or later take the streets and demand exactly that, especially of no functioning government was left to efficiently control and stop them. <br/>That was why she had, ultimately, chosen to take the town from the top. It had simply been the path of least resistance. <br/>Azula looked at her brother across the table, who was just putting more vegetables on his plate as he  seemingly waited  for her to respond. Was he aware of all of these factors and, more important, risks? Or did he at least have advisors who were? She hoped so, but the way she knew Zuko, the opposite seemed more realistic. Likely, he saw them simply as his trustworthy allies. Friends even. <br/>Not that she would call him naive, but when it came down to it, he was one to follow his heart rather than his mind. And if that heart had decided that someone was a friend, he would not think twice to aid or trust them. Just how he had, for some reason, decided to drag her out of her own flames. And beyond that hadn’t seized the opportunity to secure his right to the throne by discrediting her. Or by simply leaning back and waiting for her thoughts to tear her apart. But instead had kept her image intact for the outside world, and  even hired someone from the earth kingdom to help her mind get better. She in his position for sure would not have done any of that. But, despite or because of this, she still was in her position, and he was in his. And all those thoughts started to make her feel dizzy. Suddenly, too much seemed to be going on in her head at once, and Azula knew that if she wouldn’t do anything, her own mind soon would drag her away to a very dark place. <br/>“So what is happening to the town now?“, she therefore asked to shift the focus of the conversation a bit. For sure Zuko also would rather talk about something concerning the future rather than past battles, and she did not want him to regret starting this conversation with her. <br/>“Is it still being rebuilt? I assume the fights did a lot of damage, especially with both fire and earth benders involved.“<br/>Yes, you can say that.“ Her brother nodded. <br/>“Most streets were in ruins in the end, and the reconstructions are anything but simple. On the sides themselves mostly Earth benders are working, but they need plans and measurements to work by, which again have to be produced by engineers and architects.“ <br/>He shrugged. <br/>“ those aren’t exactly easy to find in a war torn state. But-“ her brothers face lightened up a bit, “at least it is happening, and progress is there. Every day some more families can return to their homes. And more stores and tea shops can open.“<br/>“Sometimes I wish I had visited one of those while staying in Ba Sing Se“ <br/>Azula said while picking up the last mushrooms from her plate, not really sure where that thought even came from or why she had said it out loud. “A tea shop, I mean. They seemed to have been an important part of the town’s culture.“ <br/>“Oh yes, a great culture of costumers who make unclear orders on purpose just so that they complain later, chatty patrons and children who love knocking over drinks even more than they love crying. Oh, and everyone has an amazingly different accent and loves to use the slang of a different village.“ Zuko laughed, short, but honest. And long enough to touch Azula in a way that she had to smile as well. “Sorry, having to be the person who stands on the side of the counter will do that to you,“ he then added, nearly sounding afraid to have offended her. <br/>Azula pushed away her finished plate. Sometimes she forgot how long her bother had lived in Ba Sing Se as a tea servant himself. Maybe that was why the fate of the town and its people hit him so hard, she thought. Because they were not random to him. But know faces of former guests, neighbours and market sellers from around the corner. <br/>“Would you like some tea, by the way?“, her brother then asked. “I prepared some for after dinner.“<br/>“If I do not have to order in an accent, sure.“<br/>Azula watched as her brother cleared the table himself and left, balancing the stacked dishes on the tray to return shortly afterwards with a teapot, two cups and what seemed to be a wooden box. He carefully poured one for both of them before he sat down opposite of her again <br/>and put the box on the table between them. A pai sho set, Azula realised. Immediately, she was back in a time very long ago, in which Zuko and her had used to “borrow“ their uncle‘s game and play match after match while eating stole cherries from the kitchen. When their mother and father had had to go on important trips to represent the royal family together where children only would have been a disturbance. Her brother had had to explain the rules to her, and in the beginning even helped her with some moves. When she had gotten better, he had been equally proud, and the first time she had beaten him on his own, he had “organised“ a box of mochi from the kitchen as prize. They had eaten it together the same evening and of course both ended up with stomach ache. But still Azula felt like there was a lot she would give just to relive that moment again. Not like she had much to offer right now anyway, she thought. Those nights had ended soon after, when their father had decided that it was time for both of them to stop being children at all and become full time prince and princess. And from there, it seemed to her, everything had just gotten worse. <br/>“I thought we could play a round to go with the tea.“ <br/>Zuko brought her back to the present. “But let me warn you, I did practice since our last match.“ <br/>“Practising how to lose with grace?“ Azula smiled as her brother started to set up the board. Their last match. Was he, just maybe, caught in the same memory as her right now? The memory of late nights and cherries? <br/>“Or how to cheat, considering you likely played a bunch of matches with our uncle?”<br/>“Don’t say anything you will regret later.” Her brother continued his work without even looking up. “I in fact practised with someone else.”<br/>Azula could not help but wonder who that someone else was. One of his new friends? Likely. She yet knew too little to say for sure which one.  Maybe that water tribe boy. He seemed to have had a thing for strategies and plans. For a moment, she was tempted to ask, not knowing why she even cared. It wasn’t like this information held any value, just that she was curious. About her brother, and what his life looked like right now. He probably even would like to share it. Still, a certain hesitancy was holding her back. She had asked so many questions already this evening, and who knew which question would be one too many? This was none of her business, and an inquiry definitely not worth risking the frail bond they had just started to rebuilt. Azula knew that it was likely an irrational concern, but the lesson of what wrong questions at the wrong time could do was too deeply ingrained in her bones to ignore. Maybe they would eat together again tomorrow. Or next week. And maybe she would learn it then. Instead of saying anything, Azula decided to simply take a sip of her tea.<br/>The taste was sweeter than she had expected. Unusual for tea, and yet very familiar. She took another sip, just to make sure. <br/>“Do you like it?“ Zuko, who had finished placing the stones and looked at her in anticipation, asked. <br/>“I experimented around with it for a bit to get the flavour right.“ <br/>“Oh yes. Your time in Ba Sing Se truly paid of.“ Azula smiled at her brother and felt strangely natural. Like it was the simplest thing to do. Like they had never been on opposing sides of a war between nations, and like they had never fought their very own war for the scraps of their parent’s love and attention before. Like they were just two kids, and the most they had to loose was a match of pai sho. <br/>“It really does taste like cherries.“</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much again for reading and staying with me until here! If you enjoyed this chapter, I would be more than happy about a little comment &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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